Gavin Ward and Alun Edwards are the Managers of the Week this week helping their respective Seb Blattered Cod and Radnorshire Tigers through to the next round of the OFFL Cup. Congratulations both. 18 points each.
But, yes, what of the cup? Any Oxford/Swansea-type shocks?
Well YES as it happens...
Runaway League Leaders, Minty's Minions CRASH OUT of the OFFL Cup after two weeks' worth of scores. Minty Colquhoun will not be Doing The Double with her Minions this season in spite of being over 30 points ahead of the chasing pack in the League table. Minty's miserly score of 5 meagre points last week was only enough to finish 2nd from bottom of Group A, which means She and her wannabe-Champions are OUT.
Oh Yoo Tee spells OUT.
Not through. Not qualified. Exited. You are naturally inconsolable. We know you had your heart set on that Louis Van Goal biography.
But what of the rest of you?
========
OFFL Cup
--------
First Round Group Stage Results
Group A Value Wk21 Wk22 Total
---------------------------------------------------
Which Team 53.3 21 13 34
Seb Blattered Cod 52.0 15 18 33
The Flying Geese 53.9 16 10 26
Moobchester United 54.9 19 7 26
Minty's Minions 51.5 17 5 22 Out
It's a Snickers FC 51.7 10 10 20 Out
Group B Value Wk21 Wk22 Total
---------------------------------------------------
Radnorshire Tigers 50.7 20 18 38
Livercoolio 54.7 14 13 27
Moreton Rovers 54.6 15 9 24
Pyeators 53.7 15 3 18
Bad Wolf United 54.1 4 9 13 Out
Irishpool 50.3 5 7 12 Out
Group C Value Wk21 Wk22 Total
---------------------------------------------------
Guess Hughton 53.9 28 15 43
Old Malcolm Academicals 54.8 19 12 31
Inter Milandrover 54.8 17 10 27
Oak Hamsters 51.6 13 8 21
Real Mcdrid 51.5 11 5 16 Out
Group D Value Wk21 Wk22 Total
---------------------------------------------------
Neil's Diamonds 53.2 32 8 40
RS-TBOY 51.4 25 10 35
Ali McMoist 51.1 25 9 34
Moanchester United 54.9 20 12 32
Com-a ma mau papa com-a mau 53.5 9 6 15 Out
So there you have it, commiserations to Guy 'Bird is the Word' Harewood, Craig 'Zizou' McHugh, Mike 'Rantathlete' Smears, Karyn 'Prattwoman' Meaden*, Ashley 'Not Again' Keeler and Minty 'What How Come' Colquhoun. Take comfort from the fact that you're not alone in your total failure to lift the Cup this season. You can be failures together.
*Congratulations, however, for hitching yourself to manager of Old Malcolm Academicals, Malcolm Pratt, Mrs Pratt.
T h e T a b l e
Value Points
Team Manager (GBPm)Wk Tot
--------------------------------------------------------
1 Minty's Minions Minty Colquhoun 51.5 5 232
2 Inter Milandrover Smasher 54.8 10 201
3 RS-TBOY Rick Beecroft 51.4 10 195
4 Livercoolio Russell Bielby 54.7 13 191
5 Moobchester United Jon King 54.9 7 189
6 Pyeators Dave Clayton 53.7 3 188
7 Guess Hughton Nick Reed 53.9 15 183
8 Com-a ma mau papa com-a mauGuy Harewood 53.5 6 178
9 Seb Blattered Cod Gavin Ward 52.0 18 177
10 Neil's Diamonds Neil McConaghy 53.2 8 175
11 Radnorshire Tigers Alun Edwards 50.7 18 163
12 Old Malcolm Academicals Malcolm Pratt 54.8 12 161
13 Moreton Rovers Edgar Rayner 54.6 9 158
14 Which Team Rachel Jones 53.3 13 153
15 Ali McMoist Alison Faulkner 51.1 9 152
16 The Flying Geese Mandy Noble 53.9 10 148
17 Real Mcdrid Craig McHugh 51.5 5 146
18 Oak Hamsters Steve Tierney 51.6 8 146
19 Moanchester United Alex Blundell 54.9 12 127
20 Irishpool Mike Smears 50.3 7 122
21 It's a Snickers FC Ashley Keeler 51.7 10 98
22 Bad Wolf United Karyn Meaden 54.1 9 67
Week's Average Points 9
Total Average Points 161
-----------------------------
T r a n s f e r s a n d s t u f f
=============================
RS-TBOY
-------------------
From: Rick Beecroft
To: Chairman@LittleSmasher.com
Merry New Year chief, hope you had a good one
Sub time
OUT
492 MF J Milner LIV 4.2
IN
575 MF M Ozil ARS 5.5
Kind Regards
Rick
----------------------
Chairman responds:
Transfer complete. Not really interesting to note: you still wouldn't be top if you'd had Ozil from the beginning of the season.
=============================
Which Team
-------------------
From: Rachel Jones
To: Chairman@LittleSmasher.com
Rayner.. only 9 behind you now!!!
With best regards,
Rachel Jones
----------------------
Chairman responds:
Bants.
=============================
Minty's Minions
-------------------
From: Minty Colquhoun
To: Chairman@LittleSmasher.com
I know this is tempting fate, especially as I'm top of the league and yet know nothing about football . . . but can I have Jordan Graham from Wolves on my team please? I understand from my recent sojourn in the West Midlands that they beat Brighton 1 - 0 (away) which seemed to excite the entire household!
Lovely.
----------------------
Chairman responds:
Congratulations, you win Star Email of the Week.
=============================
Flying Geese
-------------------
From: Mandy Noble
To: Chairman@LittleSmasher.com
Happy New Year!!!
Please could I make some transfers for my very sorry state of a team.
OUT – CB - Jagielka – 338 – CHE
IN – CB - SMALLING – 342 – MU
OUT – FB – HAZARD – 517 – CHE
IN – FB – OZEL – 375 – ARS
OUT – ST – BERAHINO – 736 – WBA
IN – ST – VARDY – 614 – LEICS
OUT – FB – CLYNE – 226 – LIV
IN – FB – KOLAROV – 280 – MC
Ta very much!
Mandy
----------------------
Chairman responds:
Transfer Complete. It still looks like your team is Puncheon above its weight.
=============================
Pyeators
-------------------
From: Dave Clayton
To: Chairman@LittleSmasher.com
Dear Mr Chairman Sir, Happy New Year to you and your Umperlumpers!
New Year, new squad (well almost)! The transfer window is open and so is your wallet!
Out 228 Coleman in 245 Azpilicueta
Out 336 Kompany In 396 Vertongen
Out 465 Mane In 836 De Bruyne
Out 417 Redmond in 575 Ozil
Out 473 Depay In 558 Payet
Many Thanks
Dave Pyeating Clayton
----------------------
Chairman responds:
Transfers Complete. You now have just the two transfers remaining. Happy New Year to you too. Two remaining. Two.
=============================
Wednesday, 13 January 2016
Monday, 28 December 2015
Week 21: OFFL Cup Group Stage Halfway Point
 |
| OMG Chairman's eaten too much again |
Also worthy of note is RS-TBOY jumping into third place in the league with a score of 25 points helping push Livercoolio down into sixth.
Happy New Year and all that.
========
OFFL Cup
--------
First Round Group Stage So Far
Group A Value Wk21 Wk22 Total
---------------------------------------------------
Which Team 53.3 21 21
Moobchester United 54.9 19 19
Minty's Minions 51.5 17 17
The Flying Geese 53.9 16 16
Seb Blattered Cod 54.3 15 15 To Go Out
It's a Snickers FC 51.7 10 10 To Go Out
Group B Wk21 Wk22 Total
---------------------------------------------------
Radnorshire Tigers 50.7 20 20
Pyeators 53.7 15 15
Moreton Rovers 54.6 15 15
Livercoolio 54.7 14 14
Irishpool 52.0 5 5 To Go Out
Bad Wolf United 54.1 4 4 To Go Out
Group C Wk21 Wk22 Total
---------------------------------------------------
Guess Hughton 53.9 28 28
Old Malcolm Academicals 54.8 19 19
Inter Milandrover 54.8 17 17
Oak Hamsters 51.6 13 13
Real Mcdrid 51.5 11 11 To Go Out
Group D Wk21 Wk22 Total
---------------------------------------------------
Neil's Diamonds 53.2 32 32
Ali McMoist 51.1 25 25
RS-TBOY 51.4 25 25
Moanchester United 54.9 20 20
Com-a ma mau papa com-a mau 52.1 9 9 To Go Out
T h e T a b l e
Value Points
Team Manager (GBPm)Wk Tot
--------------------------------------------------------
1 Minty's Minions Minty Colquhoun 51.5 17 227
2 Inter Milandrover Smasher 54.8 17 191
3 RS-TBOY Rick Beecroft 51.4 25 185
4 Pyeators Dave Clayton 53.7 15 185
5 Moobchester United Jon King 54.9 19 182
6 Livercoolio Russell Bielby 54.7 14 178
7 Com-a ma mau papa com-a mauGuy Harewood 52.1 9 172
8 Guess Hughton Nick Reed 53.9 28 168
9 Neil's Diamonds Neil McConaghy 53.2 32 167
10 Seb Blattered Cod Gavin Ward 54.3 15 159
11 Moreton Rovers Edgar Rayner 54.6 15 149
12 Old Malcolm Academicals Malcolm Pratt 54.8 19 149
13 Radnorshire Tigers Alun Edwards 50.7 20 145
14 Ali McMoist Alison Faulkner 51.1 25 143
15 Real Mcdrid Craig McHugh 51.5 11 141
16 Which Team Rachel Jones 53.3 21 140
17 Oak Hamsters Steve Tierney 51.6 13 138
18 The Flying Geese Mandy Noble 53.9 16 138
19 Irishpool Mike Smears 52.0 5 115
20 Moanchester United Alex Blundell 54.9 20 115
21 It's a Snickers FC Ashley Keeler 51.7 10 88
22 Bad Wolf United Karyn Meaden 54.1 4 58
Week's Average Points 16
Total Average Points 151
---
-----------------------------
T r a n s f e r s a n d s t u f f
=============================
Before deadline
Oak Hamsters
-------------------
From: Steve Tierney
To: Chairman@LittleSmasher.com
How do
1st transfer of season.
Can I swap pelle for Lukaku please (719)
Ho Ho Ho
----------------------
Chairman responds:
Consider it done. It's the Cup you're after isn't it? Let's face it.
=============================
Irishpool
-------------------
From: Mike Smears
To: Chairman@LittleSmasher.com
Subject:
Right, Mr Presidente
I've had enough of this nonsense. Nearly bottom of the league. If the world cant pay me the respect a man of my years deserves, there will have to be changes. So please will you eject the following outcasts with suitable words of condemnation, and usher in the incomers with warning words that they too will be for the chop unless they restore me to my rightful place at the top of the league:
OUT
121 Hart
266 Sagna
315 Stones
553 Sigurdsson
624 Sanchez
IN
138 Cech
206 Monreal
313 Shawcross
445 Mahrez
719 Lukaku
I shall be ruthless from now on. Let the world be warned
And may i wish your good self, your family, and all the other managers a very happy Christmas and New year.
Yours ruthlessly,
Blissful from Bassett
----------------------
Chairman responds:
Too ruth. Lose some ruth. Though it's always nice to be wished a Happy Christmas. You too, Sir.
=============================
Com-a ma mau papa com-a mau
-------------------
From: Guy Harewood
To: Chairman@LittleSmasher.com
Subject:
Happy Crimbo Chair-chump,
Couple of festive swapsies please.
Oot with Clyne and Payet
In with Walker (264) and Ozil (575).
Ta muchly,
Ray
----------------------
Chairman responds:
Of course, the pleasure is all Clyne.
=============================
Seb Blattered Cod
-------------------
From: Gavin Ward
To: Chairman@LittleSmasher.com
Subject: Turkey transfers
Happy Christmas, most gracious and honourable chairman. I hope all is well and there has been peace about your home during this festive season. If not, then you’re no worse off than the rest of us. May family has insisted on visiting… constantly, regardless of how much effort I put into being an ungracious host.
It’s put me in a right mood and as such it’s befitting that I take it out on my team (I await an apology from them and the press)
Out:
684
ST S Aguero
736
ST S Berahino
245
FB C Azpilicueta
248
FB C Soares
In:
614
ST J Vardy
719
ST R Lukaku
264
FB K Walker
266
FB B Sagna
There’s little doubt that this will see peaks and troughs in each players performance to ensure I lose more ground in the league but I have more transfers to use up yet, roll on the transfer window…
Bet Slatter…
----------------------
Chairman responds:
Troughs. It'll be mainly troughs.
=============================
Monday, 21 December 2015
Week 20: Malteser Munching
 |
| OMG Chairman can be heard munching |
We also see that current OFFL Champions, Livercoolio, have managed to stealthily sidle their way up into fourth place after such a desperately miserable - and widely celebrated - start to the season. Could they be defending their title or is the current gap of 46 points going to be too much? A mere ten points off second place is a pretty good recovery so far, what?
In other news OFFL Cup Fixtures are being played right now and if Steve Tierney can get his Oak Hamsters to score a similar Manager of the Week certificate-winning score - like what he did this week, innit - then he'll be laughing all the way to Round 2. The Hamsters netted a scintillating 25 points propelling them up five places into fourteenth.
And finally, many marvellous congratulations to Meaden and Mally for their magnificent matrimonials. A lovely couple. Trust us. They're lovely. Trophy-less, but lovely.
T h e T a b l e
Value Points
Team Manager (GBPm)Wk Tot
--------------------------------------------------------
1 Minty's Minions Minty Colquhoun 51.5 20 210
2 Inter Milandrover Smasher 54.8 16 174
3 Pyeators Dave Clayton 53.7 13 170
4 Livercoolio Russell Bielby 54.7 20 164
5 Com-a ma mau papa com-a mauGuy Harewood 52.1 18 163
6 Moobchester United Jon King 54.9 19 163
7 RS-TBOY Rick Beecroft 51.4 18 160
8 Seb Blattered Cod Gavin Ward 54.3 8 144
9 Guess Hughton Nick Reed 53.9 4 140
10 Neil's Diamonds Neil McConaghy 53.2 11 135
11 Moreton Rovers Edgar Rayner 54.6 9 134
12 Real Mcdrid Craig McHugh 51.5 16 130
13 Old Malcolm Academicals Malcolm Pratt 54.8 3 130
14 Oak Hamsters Steve Tierney 51.3 25 125
15 Radnorshire Tigers Alun Edwards 55.0 3 125
16 The Flying Geese Mandy Noble 53.9 2 122
17 Which Team Rachel Jones 53.3 8 119
18 Ali McMoist Alison Faulkner 54.9 3 118
19 Irishpool Mike Smears 52.0 8 110
20 Moanchester United Alex Blundell 54.9 6 95
21 It's a Snickers FC Ashley Keeler 51.7 15 78
22 Bad Wolf United Karyn Meaden 54.1 -3 54
Week's Average Points 11
Total Average Points 134
-----------------------------
T r a n s f e r s a n d s t u f f
=============================
Ali McMoist
-------------------
From: Alison Faulkner
To: Chairman@LittleSmasher.com
Subject:
128 GK B Foster WBA 3.5
526 MF V Wanyama SOT 3.5
548 MF J Puncheon CP 3.9
517 MF E Hazard CHE 6.8
576 MF D Silva MC 6.2
738 ST C Benteke LIV 6.6
138 GK P Cech ARS 4.2
445 MF R Mahrez LEI 3.8
562 MF G Wijnaldum NEW 4.1
575 MF M Ozil ARS 5.5
812 MF D Alli TOT 3.5
614 ST J Vardy LEI 5.6
----------------------
Chairman responds:
Suits you.
=============================
Monday, 14 December 2015
Week 19: Cup Prep
Rick Beecroft and Alun Edwards please awkwardly step forward to jointly accept your Manager of the Week certificate.
RS-TBOY and Radnorshire Tigers each scored 14 points.
And with the OFFL Cup beginning soon, have YOU made sure your team are firing on all cylinders...
A biography of Louis Van Goal is up for grabs don't forget - let's hope he's still in his job by the time of the Final.
========
OFFL Cup
--------
Weeks 21 & 22
Group A Manager Value
--------------------------------------------------
Minty's Minions Minty Colquhoun 51.5
Moobchester United Jon King 54.9
Seb Blattered Cod Gavin Ward 54.3
The Flying Geese Mandy Noble 53.9
Which Team Rachel Jones 53.3
It's a Snickers FC Ashley Keeler 49.6
Group B Manager Value
--------------------------------------------------
Pyeators Dave Clayton 53.7
Livercoolio Russell Bielby 54.7
Moreton Rovers Edgar Rayner 54.6
Radnorshire Tigers Alun Edwards 55.0
Irishpool Mike Smears 52.0
Bad Wolf United Karyn Meaden 54.1
Group C Manager Value
--------------------------------------------------
Inter Milandrover Smasher 54.8
Guess Hughton Nick Reed 53.9
Old Malcolm Academicals Malcolm Pratt 54.8
Real Mcdrid Craig McHugh 51.5
Oak Hamsters Steve Tierney 51.3
Group D Manager Value
--------------------------------------------------
Com-a ma mau papa com-a ma Guy Harewood 52.1
RS-TBOY Rick Beecroft 51.4
Neil's Diamonds Neil McConaghy 53.2
Ali McMoist Alison Faulkner 54.9
Moanchester United Alex Blundell 54.9
The top four teams from each group go through. Results from Weeks 21 & 22 will be used.
---
T h e T a b l e
Value Points
Team Manager (GBPm)Wk Tot
--------------------------------------------------------
1 Minty's Minions Minty Colquhoun 51.5 2 190
2 Inter Milandrover Smasher 54.8 7 158
3 Pyeators Dave Clayton 53.7 2 157
4 Com-a ma mau papa com-a mauGuy Harewood 52.1 1 145
5 Livercoolio Russell Bielby 54.7 2 144
6 Moobchester United Jon King 54.9 0 144
7 RS-TBOY Rick Beecroft 51.4 14 142
8 Guess Hughton Nick Reed 53.9 5 136
9 Seb Blattered Cod Gavin Ward 54.3 8 136
10 Old Malcolm Academicals Malcolm Pratt 54.8 5 127
11 Moreton Rovers Edgar Rayner 54.6 3 125
12 Neil's Diamonds Neil McConaghy 53.2 6 124
13 Radnorshire Tigers Alun Edwards 55.0 14 122
14 The Flying Geese Mandy Noble 53.9 12 120
15 Ali McMoist Alison Faulkner 54.9 10 115
16 Real Mcdrid Craig McHugh 51.5 9 114
17 Which Team Rachel Jones 53.3 7 111
18 Irishpool Mike Smears 52.0 0 102
19 Oak Hamsters Steve Tierney 51.3 7 100
20 Moanchester United Alex Blundell 54.9 7 89
21 It's a Snickers FC Ashley Keeler 49.6 1 61
22 Bad Wolf United Karyn Meaden 54.1 5 57
Week's Average Points 5
Total Average Points 123
-----------------------------
T r a n s f e r s a n d s t u f f
=============================
Which Team
-------------------
From: Rachel Jones
To: Chairman@LittleSmasher.com
Subject: Re: Edgar Rayner's Moreton Rovers
Oh how the mighty have fallen!!!!
With best regards,
Rachel Jones
----------------------
Chairman responds:
The Mighty? AND your Which Team would actually have to rise six places to get to where he's fallen. But apart from that... gloat away.
=============================
It's A Snickers
-------------------
From: Ashley Keeler
To: Chairman@LittleSmasher.com
Subject:
Hmm. This isn't going well... but with a vote of confidence from the board buoying my sprits I'm ready to fail in the cup too.
Can we just start this season again please?
OUT
105 B MyHill
394 A Williams
596 R Brady
209 M Haidara
302 L Koscielny
IN
138 P Cech
206 M Monreal
331 S Dann
336 V Kompany
445 R Mahrez
All the best to the chairman,
Ashley
It's a Snickers
----------------------
Chairman responds:
It's always about half way through the season that you seem to come out of managerial hibernation. Such a disappointment.
=============================
[After Transfer Deadline]
Radnorshire Tigers
-------------------
From: Alun Edwards
To: Chairman@LittleSmasher.com
Subject:
Dear Chairman,
For too many weeks we have been getting as many shots on target as a Villa striker, and my scouts are telling me about a young talent from Leicester. With mention of the cup - my own particular forte - I will send these transfers in before anyone else hears about this Vardy chap. You never know he might even score one of these days?
Team 4: Radnorshire Tigers
OUT:
207 FB K Trippier TOT 4.0
473 MF M Depay MU 5.4
506 MF T Walcott ARS 5.4
553 MF G Sigurdsson SWA 4.6
843 ST A Martial MU 6.9
684 ST S Aguero MC 8.4
IN:
280 A Kolarov FB MC £4.6
545 Willian MF CHE £4.2
445 R Mahrez MF LEI £3.8
836 K De Bruyne MF MC £5.4
719 R Lukaku ST EVE £6.8
614 J Vardy ST LEI £5.6
Thank you, Ally
----------------------
Chairman responds:
In a week where you win the Manager of the Week certificate you turf out half your team. Probably wise if you're going to defend that Cup title.
Thursday, 10 December 2015
Week 18: The OFFL Cup First Round REVEALED
| Balls. And ball bag. |
Our Manager of the Week is 2007's League Runner-Up and the OFFL Cup Winner of 2011, Craig McHugh. His Real Mcdrid hooned 22 points this week, 8 of them from defence and 14 from midfield. A climb of three places leaves him in Fifteenth.And with an Ooh and an Aaagh, we conclude that that's about as interesting as it gets this week.
Forget ye not the biog of Louis Van Goal as this season's OFFL Cup Winning Prize. Talking of which, the First Round groups are as follows...
OFFL Cup
Weeks 21 & 22
Group A Manager Value
--------------------------------------------------
Minty's Minions Minty Colquhoun 51.5
Moobchester United Jon King 54.9
Seb Blattered Cod Gavin Ward 54.3
The Flying Geese Mandy Noble 53.9
Which Team Rachel Jones 53.3
It's a Snickers FC Ashley Keeler 49.6
Group B Manager Value
--------------------------------------------------
Pyeators Dave Clayton 53.7
Livercoolio Russell Bielby 54.7
Moreton Rovers Edgar Rayner 54.6
Radnorshire Tigers Alun Edwards 55.0
Irishpool Mike Smears 52.0
Bad Wolf United Karyn Meaden 54.1
Group C Manager Value
--------------------------------------------------
Inter Milandrover Smasher 54.8
Guess Hughton Nick Reed 53.9
Old Malcolm Academicals Malcolm Pratt 54.8
Real Mcdrid Craig McHugh 51.5
Oak Hamsters Steve Tierney 51.3
Group D Manager Value
--------------------------------------------------
Com-a ma mau papa com-a ma Guy Harewood 52.1
RS-TBOY Rick Beecroft 51.4
Neil's Diamonds Neil McConaghy 53.2
Ali McMoist Alison Faulkner 54.9
Moanchester United Alex Blundell 54.9
The top four teams from each group go through. Results from Weeks 21 & 22 will be used.
T h e T a b l e
Value Points
Team Manager (GBPm)Wk Tot
--------------------------------------------------------
1 Minty's Minions Minty Colquhoun 51.5 13 188
2 Pyeators Dave Clayton 53.7 11 155
3 Inter Milandrover Smasher 54.8 15 151
4 Com-a ma mau papa com-a mauGuy Harewood 52.1 16 144
5 Moobchester United Jon King 54.9 17 144
6 Livercoolio Russell Bielby 54.7 13 142
7 Guess Hughton Nick Reed 53.9 1 131
8 RS-TBOY Rick Beecroft 51.4 9 128
9 Seb Blattered Cod Gavin Ward 54.3 2 128
10 Moreton Rovers Edgar Rayner 54.6 0 122
11 Old Malcolm Academicals Malcolm Pratt 54.8 0 122
12 Neil's Diamonds Neil McConaghy 53.2 12 118
13 The Flying Geese Mandy Noble 53.9 4 108
14 Radnorshire Tigers Alun Edwards 55.0 3 108
15 Real Mcdrid Craig McHugh 51.5 22 105
16 Ali McMoist Alison Faulkner 54.9 3 105
17 Which Team Rachel Jones 53.3 9 104
18 Irishpool Mike Smears 52.0 6 102
19 Oak Hamsters Steve Tierney 51.3 13 93
20 Moanchester United Alex Blundell 54.9 1 82
21 It's a Snickers FC Ashley Keeler 49.6 0 60
22 Bad Wolf United Karyn Meaden 54.1 0 52
Week's Average Points 7
Total Average Points 117
---
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