Week 33: Will No One Rid Me of this Troublesome Pushchair?

The Poorest Gag of the Studmarks Season So Far

Mike Smears is still with us.  The bedside vigil has been keeping his weak pulse registering a gentle beeping on the heart monitor machine.  It was the news this week that his Irishpool have won him a Manager of the Week certificate that brought him out of the coma, a coma which he slipped into after pressing send on his last ranting email.

According to his wife, Christine, he's been sitting up in bed joking with the nurses.  In case he relapses, it mustn't be mentioned that he has to share the certificate with Guy Harewood, whose 'Bird Is The Word' inspired 'Com-a ma mau papa com-a mau' also scored 20 points this week.

Meanwhile, unbeknownst to OMG Chairman, the order he barked to the governess of his two sired mini-mes was taken a little too seriously by Newcastle's Chairman Mike cAshley: The Governess couldn't decide which pushchair to retrieve from the boot of the Rolls so he flippantly blurted "Get the MacLaren out!".  And the rest is history.

Eat your heart out Henry II.

And that's about as good as it's going to get for this week.  It's now up to you to press the big red button in front of you that'll turn your 'The Voice'-like throne around in acceptance of yet another poorly warbled-out Studmarks.

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OFFL Cup

--------

Quarter Finals

To be played over Week 35

Radnorshire Tigers    v     Neil's Diamonds

Alun Edwards                 Neil McConaghy

Which Team            v   Inter Milandrover

Rachel Jones                        Smasher

RS-TBOY               v       Guess Hughton

Rick Beecroft                     Nick Reed

Moobchester United    v      Moreton Rovers

Jon King                       Edgar Rayner

Louis Van Goaaal WANTS YOU to read his biography.  

Scratch that - the AUTHOR of the Louis Van Goaaal biography WANTS YOU to read his autobiography on Louis Van Goaaal.  It's about Louis Van Goaaal apparently.

T h e   T a b l e

                                            Value Points

   Team                       Manager       (GBPm)Wk Tot

 --------------------------------------------------------

 1 Minty's Minions            Minty Colquhoun 50.6 14 360

 2 Pyeators                   Dave Clayton    55.0 13 312

 3 Inter Milandrover          Smasher         52.6 14 308

 4 Livercoolio                Russell Bielby  53.1  9 308

 5 Guess Hughton              Nick Reed       53.9  6 306

 6 Com-a ma mau papa com-a mauGuy Harewood    53.5 20 299

 7 Moobchester United         Jon King        54.4 11 297

 8 RS-TBOY                    Rick Beecroft   52.7  9 282

 9 Moreton Rovers             Edgar Rayner    54.6 11 266

10 Ali McMoist                Alison Faulkner 51.1 10 264

11 Radnorshire Tigers         Alun Edwards    51.2  6 263

12 Neil's Diamonds            Neil McConaghy  53.3  4 262

13 Seb Blattered Cod          Gavin Ward      52.0  3 258

14 The Flying Geese           Mandy Noble     52.9 10 251

15 Old Malcolm Academicals    Malcolm Pratt   54.8 14 248

16 Real Mcdrid                Craig McHugh    53.7 19 241

17 Oak Hamsters               Steve Tierney   51.6 13 239

18 Which Team                 Rachel Jones    53.3  0 234

19 Irishpool                  Mike Smears     50.0 20 230

20 Moanchester United         Alex Blundell   54.9  7 200

21 Bad Wolf United            Karyn Meaden    54.1  5 163

22 It's a Snickers FC         Ashley Keeler   51.7  3 158

                              Week's Average Points    10

                              Total Average Points    261

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Week 32: Arise Dame Meaden

W = Bad Wolf United, F = Ashley Keeler, P = Karyn Meaden

Yet another [yawn] Manager of the Week certificate [yawn] wings itself to Windsor as [yawn] Ms Colquhoun nets a modest 13 points, 8 points above the League average for the week. But that's not really news is it? What IS news however is that Dame Karyn Deborah Meaden has crowbarred her Bad Wolf United off the bottom of the Table for the first time since Week 12. The Bad Wolves notched up an impressive 12 points overtaking the optimistic Ashley Keeler and his appalling It's A Snickers FC.

How long can Dame Meaden hold onto that second-from-bottom position?

Well, it'll certainly keep us, here at Studmarks, awake at night until the end of the season.

T h e   T a b l e
                                            Value Points
   Team                       Manager       (GBPm)Wk Tot
 --------------------------------------------------------
 1 Minty's Minions            Minty Colquhoun 50.6 13 346
 2 Guess Hughton              Nick Reed       53.9  1 300
 3 Livercoolio                Russell Bielby  53.1  3 299
 4 Pyeators                   Dave Clayton    55.0  9 299
 5 Inter Milandrover          Smasher         54.5 -1 294
 6 Moobchester United         Jon King        54.4  6 286
 7 Com-a ma mau papa com-a mauGuy Harewood    53.5  6 279
 8 RS-TBOY                    Rick Beecroft   52.7  9 273
 9 Neil's Diamonds            Neil McConaghy  53.3  6 258
10 Radnorshire Tigers         Alun Edwards    51.2  6 257
11 Seb Blattered Cod          Gavin Ward      52.0  6 255
12 Moreton Rovers             Edgar Rayner    54.6  6 255
13 Ali McMoist                Alison Faulkner 51.1  4 254
14 The Flying Geese           Mandy Noble     52.9  0 241
15 Which Team                 Rachel Jones    53.3  2 234
16 Old Malcolm Academicals    Malcolm Pratt   54.8  6 234
17 Oak Hamsters               Steve Tierney   51.6  9 226
18 Real Mcdrid                Craig McHugh    53.7  9 222
19 Irishpool                  Mike Smears     50.0  2 210
20 Moanchester United         Alex Blundell   54.9 -1 193
21 Bad Wolf United            Karyn Meaden    54.1 12 158
22 It's a Snickers FC         Ashley Keeler   51.7  3 155


                              Week's Average Points     5
                              Total Average Points    251

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T r a n s f e r s   a n d   s t u f f
=============================

Inter Milandrover
-------------------
   From: Smasher
     To: Chairman@LittleSmasher.com
Subject: Squeaky Bum Time

OUT
ST Costa CHE
FB Baines EVE

IN
719 Lukaku EVE ST
243 Fuchs LEI FB

----------------------
Chairman responds:
Squeaky Bum Time?  It's not really though is it?  Not for you?


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Week 31: OFFL Cup Round Two RESULTS

They've spelled his surname wrong, obviously

We have a distinct pack of hungry managers gathering in the 290s, all hunting for the blood of the Minions who had their lead slashed by 2 points this week.  When we say 'slashed' we actually mean 'chipped away at'.  Minty Colquhoun's bunch of goggle-wearing yellowskins are still 34 points ahead.

And if you didn't catch the interview with Minty Cockyhoun last week then here it is again...

https://goo.gl/bavtCM



Meanwhile, Smasher is Manager of the Week this week with a stonking 31 points to push Inter Milandrover into fourth place in the League.  This score will also see the 'Drovers through to Round Three of the OFFL Cup.  The OFFL what?

========
OFFL Cup
--------
ROUND TWO, Wk31, Results

The Flying Geese     6 v  16  Radnorshire Tigers
Inter Milandrover   31 v  19  Livercoolio
Moobchester United  26 v  12  Ali McMoist
Oak Hamsters        13 v  22  Guess Hughton
RS-TBOY             18 v  11  Seb Blattered Cod
Moreton Rovers      11 v   6  Moanchester United
Pyeators            20 v  22  Neil's Diamonds
Which Team          18 v   6  Old Malcolm Academicals

Neil's Diamonds squeeze past Pyeators in the most exciting tie of the round but League Champions, Livercoolio, are dumped out of the Cup by Inter Milandrover.  Also through are the Cup holders, Radnorshire Tigers, who mauled some Flying Geese in defence of their title.  Tigers Vs Hamsters next?  Ah, no, it can't be.  What about Tigers against some Seb Blattered Cod?  Oh.  That's out too.

Through to the 3rd Round...
Alun Edwards, Smasher, Jon King, Nick Reed, Rick Beecroft, Edgar Rayner, Neil McConaghy, Rachel Jones - congratulations all.  You are one step closer to that Louis Van Goaaaal biography.

T h e   T a b l e
                                            Value Points
   Team                       Manager       (GBPm)Wk Tot
 --------------------------------------------------------
 1 Minty's Minions            Minty Colquhoun 50.6 20 333
 2 Guess Hughton              Nick Reed       53.9 22 299
 3 Livercoolio                Russell Bielby  53.1 19 296
 4 Inter Milandrover          Smasher         54.5 31 295
 5 Pyeators                   Dave Clayton    55.0 20 290
 6 Moobchester United         Jon King        54.4 26 280
 7 Com-a ma mau papa com-a mauGuy Harewood    53.5 16 273
 8 RS-TBOY                    Rick Beecroft   52.7 18 264
 9 Neil's Diamonds            Neil McConaghy  53.3 22 252
10 Radnorshire Tigers         Alun Edwards    48.8 16 251
11 Ali McMoist                Alison Faulkner 51.1 12 250
12 Seb Blattered Cod          Gavin Ward      52.0 11 249
13 Moreton Rovers             Edgar Rayner    54.6 11 249
14 The Flying Geese           Mandy Noble     52.9  6 241
15 Which Team                 Rachel Jones    53.3 18 232
16 Old Malcolm Academicals    Malcolm Pratt   54.8  6 228
17 Oak Hamsters               Steve Tierney   51.6 13 217
18 Real Mcdrid                Craig McHugh    53.7 17 213
19 Irishpool                  Mike Smears     50.3 16 208
20 Moanchester United         Alex Blundell   54.9  6 194
21 It's a Snickers FC         Ashley Keeler   51.7  9 152
22 Bad Wolf United            Karyn Meaden    54.1 11 146


                              Week's Average Points    15
                              Total Average Points    246

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T r a n s f e r s   a n d   s t u f f
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Radnorshire Tigers
-------------------
   From: Alun Edwards
     To: Chairman@LittleSmasher.com

Dear Chairman Smash,

Tinkering... (who'd've believed at the beginning of the season that Leicester City players would seem like a safe bet for the run-in to the final games! Shame I've already got two Leicester high flyers and have to settle for Arsenal and Man City)

OUT
138 GK P Cech   ARS 4.2
315 CB J Stones EVE 3.9
812 MF D Alli   TOT 3.5

IN
114 GK H Lloris  TOT £3.9
336 CB V Kompany MC  £4.6
575 MF M Ozil    ARS £5.5

Ally

----------------------
Chairman responds:
I wouldn't worry.  They'll hit the wall in a game or two's time.  Like what they were supposed to have done last week, and the week before, and the week before that.  The usual relegation battle awaits the Foxes.  Of course it does.

=============================

It's A Snickers
-------------------
   From: Ashley Keeler
     To: Chairman@LittleSmasher.com

This isn't going well.  Only blind optimism will save me now.

So let's go and win this thing.  Yeah!

----------------------
Chairman responds:
Yeah!  *Fistpump*

You're not so much this season's Leicester, are you?  More Norwich.

=============================

Irishpool
-------------------
   From: Mike Smears
     To: Chairman@LittleSmasher.com

MISTER  PRESIDENT!

I am outraged!!! Having spent the last 6 months searching for my spectacles, I now see that you have allowed Irishpool to sink to a lowly status in your league, totally unfitting for my age and status. When will you start to exercise your responsibilities as the Donald Trump of OFFL, and expel these arrogant young mangers who rush ahead, gathering points ahead of me, with no respect for my age?

Well if you are not prepared to cooperate, I must take action. So please be so good as to effect the following transfer:

OUT
138 Cech

IN
114 Lloris.

And remember, our country votes in a new President in November (unless I’m getting confused….)

Yours officiously

Bristling from Bassett

----------------------
Chairman responds:
Dear Bristling, your pills are in the kitchen drawer nearest the iron lung.  They've probably been covered up by this month's Saga magazine.


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OFFL Cup 2nd Round HALF-TIME

Bring on the sliced oranges, it's half-time in the OFFL Cup 2nd Round...

ROUND TWO, Wk31 - HALF TIME

The Flying Geese       1 v   5  Radnorshire Tigers
Inter Milandrover     14 v   6  Livercoolio
Moobchester United     8 v  -1  Ali McMoist
Oak Hamsters           0 v   5  Guess Hughton
RS-TBOY                5 v   2  Seb Blattered Cod
Moreton Rovers         4 v   1  Moanchester United
Pyeators               3 v   9  Neil's Diamonds
Which Team             4 v   0  Old Malcolm Academicals